#aka that i'm undesirable and no one will ever love me

[pseudowho]

hello once again, it's 🕊️ anon (aka anon with shitty rich friend) again

im so sorry for dumping all of this lore on you u this way, u dont have to reply to it

but there was so much more controversy when they got together. so basically it wasnt just me liking the guy. the guy (lets call him T)'s childhood best friend (lets call him M) was basically in love with the girl (lets call her S). M liked S for a whole year (S and T didnt even know each other that well) and when M confessed, S rejected and it was a pretty messy rejection (I dont know the details). a few months after that T and S started talking secretively and only a few people knew about this. so them getting together broke the lifelong friendship between T and M.

Now i am pretty good friends with M, but i hadnt ever told him that i liked T. recently after everything went down, i met up with him and told him that i used to like T. and this is how the convo went:

me: so i used to like T

him: i know

me: fym you know??

him: i could tell

me: since when?

him: 10th grade

me: right. does he know?

him: yes, we talked about it back then

me: so what did he say?

him: that youre not his type

me: ah okay fair

i basically put on my most nonchalant attitude to hide the fact that i was tweaking inside. now the fact that he knew got me thinking two things:

1. he knew i liked him during all the time i 'subtly' tried to get close to him and he shut me out in the driest way possible. im gonna curl up in a hole and wither into nonexistence.

2. he knew he had the opportunity to get over S before he fell hard simply by giving me a chance. but he chose to ruin his lifelong friendship then even consider being with me??

sorry im rambling but im 18 and ive never been liked or pursued by anyone and im the only one in my friendgroup with less than 0 experience which always makes me wonder if theres something wrong with me. there are moments where i see the good in me, but the negative thoughts almost always seem to outweigh the positive ones and the whole situation only seemed to fuel them and im once again so sorry for yapping so much.

the way this isnt even all because this whole situation caused me to almost lose my bestest friend too but thats a story for another day (maybe)

The idea that you're "unlikeable" comes to you, because in this instance, you were rejected by 100% of the people you had feelings for. Even though that was simply one person, to your brain, it feels like you would be undesirable to the whole world, because that one person- 100%- of the ones you wanted, weren't into you.

18 years old is also quite genuinely no age. I'd be concerned if you had been 'pursued' by loads of potential suitors. Most 18 year olds are, through no fault of their own and in no way an insult, so worried about themselves and where they fit in the world and how they come across to people, that they struggle to relax enough to really enjoy their romantic relationships without all the extraneous pressures anyway.

Tone down of the self loathing and work on the self reflection instead. Take a deep breath and a step back, and look at your perceived flaws objectively; what could you do to improve them? How can you work on making the best parts of you dominant? Being happier with and more confident in your own character is so much more important than being in a relationship.

It is FUCKING ROUGH and mortifying to have to reframe your memories of trying to get close to this guy, with the new information that he always knew and was rejecting you the whole time, adding context you never had. This will probably be one of those memories that makes you cringe at 25 years old, 35 years old, 55 years old...you get the point. You did nothing wrong; it's just one of those things. I'm sorry.

I fully, fully appreciate the yearning for love. It will come, really.

It is important, and perhaps difficult to accept thoughts, that it likely wasn't Her OR You. It does, truthfully, sound like he did not consider you an option at this point, for whatever reason; it certainly sounds so based on what your mutual friend says. So the anger of "he chose xxx over ME?!" is likely uncalled for, even though it's bloody hard being rejected.

I'm sorry your shitty friend went for your other shitty friend instead. They've got a lot of growing and learning to do as well.

And stop hating yourself. You're not detestable, like seem to think you are.

☝️ you, getting ready to go after these guys, I think, but you shouldn't, just BREATHE

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[the-everqueen]

002 - Cocoluce

003 - Gault

002 send me a ship - CocoLuce when or if i started shipping it: last year, initially as a knee-jerk reaction to the way fandom kept characterizing Lucienne as either asexual or a frigid lesbian out of lazy misogynoir. (like, i think there COULD be a thoughtful take on Lucienne as ace--just like i think there's a reading where she's nonbinary or agender--but the fanon never provided any context for this headcanon, and it seemed to emerge as an excuse for why Lucienne and Dream couldn't be a major ship [or indeed, to have ever had any intimacy beyond "boss and employee"], or as a reason why Lucienne would only ever appear as a cheerleader for dreamling in fics.) it felt like another instance of (white) fandom's general attitude that Black female characters are somehow inherently undesirable (and not engaged as active, desiring subjects).

but that scene where the Corinthian reappears in the Dreaming and Lucienne is there waiting? Boyd and Viv play that as LOADED with interpersonal tension. like, his mouth is RIGHT THERE, practically brushing the shell of her ear, and she doesn't flinch or react beyond that long, simmering stare. the slow lowering of her eyelashes, the flick of her gaze up? and he turns his back to her! she watches him as he leaves! it's SUCH a vibe of fraught exes, and/or rivals for Dream's attention/affection. it's palpable chemistry.

and that's another thing i find isn't afforded to Black or Brown actresses: everyone talks about how much chemistry Tom Sturridge has with his costars, and no one talks about how his costars are ALSO responding to that in their acting choices (or...they do, when it's Ferdinand Kingsley or Holbrook, aka white dudes). (addendum: there's SOME mention of Melissanthi Mahut, because she's Dream's ex-wife, but uh. no mention of Deborah Oyelade? the lover Dream condemned to Hell? hm, i wonder why...) no one gives these women their due for the work they've put into the craft! instead it's either hypersexualization ("step on me, mommy") or dismissal.

anyways. once i get an idea it then becomes "okay so how does this work." what about the characters and their dynamic would make this happen/prevent this from happening? where are the points of friction?

my thoughts: so it's god's two favorites. it's the dark mirror of humanity and the archivist of all their dreams. the masterpiece and the librarian. OBVIOUSLY they've interacted. presumably Lucienne was already around when the first Corinthian was created. what does THAT look like? god's first and most precious raven, the only one who STAYED. god's finest work, most complex creation, the one who always hungered to leave. did the Corinthian comb through the library, when the dreams weren't enough to sate his taste for humanity? also what is the line between curiosity and hunger?

what makes me happy about them: two not-human (but human appearing) beings who've been around for centuries if not millennia, who absolutely know what makes the other tick and how to cut to the core. who have a certain level of affection for humanity. who are closer to Dream than most others, and afforded privileges due to that closeness. like, i'm not sure they ever loved each other, but they love Dream, and haven't you tried to get at the person you really wanted by getting close to someone they cared about? them finding use in each other - and isn't that a cruel sort of twist, being reduced to a function in one of the most intimate relations you could have?

what makes me sad about them: i mean. it's clearly tragic. it could never be inherently happy, so long as it hinges on the absence of Dream.

...gonna skip the two fanfic questions bc i just haven't seen enough fic with them. but! i do adore quiet in the library by ao3 user starkraving.

my kinks: the eternal cry with all bhol characters: put a leash on that man!

who i'd be comfortable with them ending up with, if not each other: i feel like my platform is "end racism in fandom spaces" and "polyamory." anyways CLEARLY they both actually love Dream.

my happily ever after for them: i do think there's a universe where lucienne/dream/corinthian as a poly V and occasional triad could be Good. maybe it's lucienne/danny/coco2. all that newness and grief. hey, isn't it a thing that people get horny at funerals? deleted Wake scene.

(from this ask list, in case anyone else wants to play)

[not-this-guy]

Once again, picking at your brain for your thoughts

What’re your reasons/ideas behind your top hc’s for Bro

i'm brain dead right now after a full shift so let me give you the long short list and a more general explanation of my general fascination with this guy

the basis of my takes and hcs on bro stem from approaching him and viewing him as a person who is flawed and wrong and misguided, but a person and not a generic one faced boogeyman. he is an abuser, he has a lack of boundaries and he has violent tendencies, but i don't look at it in a vacuum because unlike dave who's only ever seen what bro allowed him to see, we can look at him as a whole.

i picked him up a couple years ago in a group roleplay server, mainly as a "i don't trust anyone else to write him/haha wouldn't it be funny if" and since then he's been living rent free in my head - but he's out grown what canon gave us.

and the fundamentals of that are:

0 | SPITE, DISGUST AND FRUSTRATION: he is a fascinating character in his own right, but goddamn is he polarising and one prone to settle in the extremes of fandom perception to the point that people have to fucking tag him as a trigger warning nowadays, which makes people unwilling to interact and engage in more nuanced discussions of him out of avoidance of being harassed which is understandable. however this kind of left him as a character to the wolves, and now a lot of his more recent works and his entire tag in general in whatever site you use has been trashed by incestuous pedophiles - which makes people even less wiling to interact with the concepts brought up in his character. and honestly fuck that. i'm willing to endure dealing w their bullshit directly n i'm willing to call these people what they are (groomers sharing csa material for personal gratification and desensitisation) and i'm not giving them free reign of bro's tag anymore. these freaks should be rightfully shunned and mocked and judged where ever they go because they're too deep in self-denial to ever change.

I | EXTRAPOLATION: with alpha dirk's introduction we were left with a question, how could this kid end up like his beta session self? what could possibly drive the dirk we grow to like and see multiple facets of become this shell of a man? and boy do i love assuming and explaining shit away for people who are barely characters in their own right. free reign to do whatever i want baby.

II | BRAIN DAMAGE: the answer to that question is to chip away at the soul and to scramble a man's sense of reality. i haven't really been in the headspace for it but id love to one day fully explore the horrors of Bro and Lil Cal's codependency for those 30 some years. with that as a base (but not an excuse) i started to slowly piece him back together, and working with the 'undesirables' of mental illness. he is an unmedicafed paranoid schizophrenic with hoarding tendencies who was diagnosed with aspergers as a child... and then punished for it, being effectively abandoned by the system to fates whims and blamed for never having his needs met. his one solid connection at any point in time was lil cal. but instead of villanizing him for having these traits... i see him as someone who was trying to help, but was misguided by his closest confidant and blinded by his over controlling paranoid nature and compulsory need to one up people. everything bro did, he did to help dave... he just never stopped to think about if he was going about it the right way, because he saw dave as an extension of himself and thus of course thought his behaviour was appropriate, because he is acting as who he wished he had when he himself was a kid.

III | PROJECTING AND RELATABILITY: damn he just like me fr. aka on top of all of that, i've grown to attach some of my own traits onto him and vice versa as a means of coping with my own backstory and as a backwards way of acknowledging that my feelings are valid... by allowing bro strider of all people to also go through them and changing myself to have compassion for him.

there's more but look i forgot and m done eating my cold burger.

[vantaeskookies]

what's the name of the mental illness where you haven't liked anyone irl in six years yet you feel butterflies for celebs every time you get obsessed w a thing that involves them?

[thisdreamplace]

I had a nasty fight with my former bff. This was long ago. She did the whole 'boycotting me' thing at school and afterwards had a mutual friend pass her msg to me, saying "tell her [me] to get it into her skull that she's not the center of the world, who does she think she is? Stop acting like a #" Im simplifying the words, her actual words were nastier

I got thinking today abt this fight, and her comment abt me that is still way too fresh in my mind even tho I hadn't recalled it in 2-3 yrs!, and I actually decided to use the law to revise my friendship to feel better as what happened after the fight was shameful on my part. But before I knew it, I started rmmbring my relationship with her. How I became a total victim. Got so stuck on her validation, begged her to be friends with me (after I got the degrading msg. 🤕 silly me w/o a backbone lol) and stayed her 'bestie' for way too long. Only after it's all over im noticing smth messed up abt out 'feiendship'. It wasnf that normal I think. She would get so pissed if I did anything that went against her thoughts/beliefs/way (which is why she called me a selfish # that major fight). It was so subtle the way she showed her disapproval. To her, if I did anything not aligned with her, or even makih decisions on my own which didn't involve her, it was wrong. And had consequences like her beinf distant for days etc, or getting angry if I didn't mind read her bla bla, I just had to keep her at the top 24/7 and she expected everyone else to do the same... which I thought was normal... It wasnt. And what would be even more crazy is she never realized how that meant she always wanted the attention. That she always wanted it her way! It just makes me feel... Sad.... When I look back. How couldn't I have notived it before? I used to be strong headed, opinionated before I became 'besties' with her.. That all has changed. I wonder why -_-

It may be dumb on my part but with the weak mind and insecurity I had then, I took that fight/her reaction to the heart and internalisef this stupidiy (DENY MYSELF if the other alternative was denying HER. I didn't think it was wrong. For the oldme, it really wasn't wrong smh). Aaah I'm so sorry old me :(

This fight started bcoz she asked me for smth and I refused, instead of relenting like I always would, and I see now that her reaction (to me not being an obedient # to her ig?🤢) was basically her setting rules. It was wrong of me to refuse, yes, but why did she react that way? Why did this pattern continue? That everyone was selfish if they didn't think of her ;_; like how do u deal with this? And the icing is when I too started to defend her and make excuses for her all the time. And ik I'm making her out to be so strong, don't worry... I accept the strong only rule when the weak submit. And I was weak as hell, so its understandable this whole thing. I think 😅

Idk. I seen your posts abt eyipo with other anons so i hope u can tell me figure out what this was. Its clear to me she was projecting smth about me, and mb throughout our whole friendship she was projecting me. And I would think it was her hurting me, that she was right and I was wrong or maybe I did smth wrong. Mb I thought I deserved being punished that way?!

Today I suddenly had an aha moment and I realised... this is how a victim thinks. I didn't know I was a victim when I was living that stoey aka thought I was powerless. When in fact I really wasn't?! Haha still accepting I 555% created ALL that. The law can knock you out haha

Enough old story I just want to ask, what du u think the msg she sent to me was? Did I really deserve such a reaction (did I mention she included other girls in the boycot? 🤢) just for standing up for myself? What about the whole 'fight' aka showcase of power? And the entire yrs of being friends why did I never realize I was only hurting myself so much by putting her before me? And also, with the everyone pushed out thing, how did it fit in? Like why the hell did I give her too much power in validating me by giving in after the fight in the first place?, and while I did have some fun times (saying this so anyone else who reads this doesn't think it was pure torture lol. We had some common interests tyat no one else in the class shared when we first became 'friends'), deep down I was so unhappy so why didn't this reflect on her? I mean why didn't she ever sense just how much she'd hurt me, why didn't she see how much I put on the back burner coz of her?! Was it as she saw it as her right? I'm just so confused

This is still a bitter pill to swallow tbh but I have to face this in order to move on. This person and my life with her has left me wit many scars and I got to understand how I did this so I never attract such a person in my life again. Its not even abt bejnf a victim. As I said, these victimy things were subtle and I only noted them when it was too late and I was a shell, like she getting super pissed and disapproving if I had a differing opinion and me blowijg it out of proportion and tailoring my views or not expressing them so as to not feel the disapproval...thanks boycott conditioning ig? 😭 Aaaah even talking agaunst her rn is making me uncomfortable. Which makes me think I still am scared of her subconsciously even tho she's no longer in my life. Like, what in me made me choose her? I haven't healed, obviously by this ask as u can tell, but idk what is it in my self concept that had this whole thing in my past even happen

My friend, I also want to say I think you're a beautiful soul 🥺. And im sorry for the long ask lol. And I pray you'll always have all your desires. And plz, was it hard for u at first when u learned about u creating everything? The good, the bad, and the repulsive (like this story)? How did u get over old stories? Ty ty ty 😭

To begin with you're being really harsh on yourself. Like, I know it's hard, but it's never that serious. And trust me, this is something I have to remind myself of regularly. Because there have definitely been moments in life where I look back on myself in that moment, and I feel like I was pathetic and would slap myself if I could. But the truth is, there's just no need for any of that. We always did the best we could. We always did, period. We couldn't have done anything differently and this will continue to be true our entire lives. Looking back on the past with such overwhelming feelings, is really not needed. I get looking back to learn from it, but practice coming from a place of love and acceptance instead. It will help you grow, rather than get stuck back in this cycle of self-hate and confusion. Plus, you actually never need to analyze the past to grow but that's beyond the point right now.

To me, by reading your ask, the message she sent to you was clear. You feel you deserve less in life, you feel you're not good enough, you feel like a victim to life and others, you feel like you're not empowered or the operant power of your reality. It's not about her being wrong and you being right, and I get this is one of the hardest pills to swallow. Everyone is you pushed out. Therefore, there's simply no such thing as who is right and who is wrong anymore. It was only ever you.

When it comes to everyone is you pushed out, you have to understand this person isn't this way because that's who they are. They were that way because that's who you were. Inside of you, you brought their character to life. Therefore, the same way you are not stuck to such an undesirable self concept, neither is that person. It's not that you chose her and attracted her in. You were just dealing with yourself. That's what I hope you walk away from this response understanding. Because by thinking she was outside of you, you're missing the mark. And this is such an important concept to understand when it comes to the law of assumption, because it's really at the forefront of everything. People play such a huge role in our lives, whether it's relationships, jobs, opportunities, etc etc. So understanding how everyone is you pushed out actually works is extremely important.

So instead of putting all this blame on her or even putting the blame on yourself, all these memories really do is give you a glimpse into who you were at the time. It shows you the beliefs you held about yourself. It shows you what your self concept was. That's all it's doing. So in that way, there's actually no one to blame at all. I know it feels good to put blame, even when it's on yourself, but the truth is there's no room for blame when you learn about the law. You simply take responsibility and become empowered by the power you have held this entire time. And you practice making it work in your favor.

If you want to see how something was apart of your self concept, all you have to do is pay attention to what you are thinking/feeling. Shame, not being good enough, etc etc is all just stories you once held onto. Now you don't have to hold onto those stories anymore. Now that you know the power you hold, you get to make a new decision for yourself. Rather than ruminating of the painful past, allow it to be and know how that's not your story anymore.

Was it difficult for me to accept how I created everything? Yes and no. It's been a journey. While I could accept it logically, emotionally it was still very painful. Many times I wanted to cry and lash out when I felt alone and felt upset that no one was there for me. Although, I knew deep down it appeared that way because of my own concept of self. So yeah, it's been a journey. And it's honestly not always delightful. But this is the journey we have to take for the rest of our lives, so we might as well get used to practicing and applying these concepts. Instead of continuing to hold ourselves in such painful lights. I got through old stories, and I continue to get through old stories, by feeling all the pain that came up. By allowing myself to cry and feel however I felt like during those times. And in the back of my mind I knew I was getting stronger in my power. I knew how I would keep persisting once the pain subsided. And little by little, old stories fade more and more. That persistence to continue choosing better for yourself, is truly more powerful than it may seem in a difficult moment. Have trust in how it's all working out for you regardless.

Hopefully this is helpful! Thank you for your kind words. 💖

[scotttrismegistus7]

LIBER: AS FAR FROM GOD AS ANGELS CAN FLY, FORGOTTEN IN THE DARKNESS IS THE UNDEAD SOUL

WARNING: THIS IS A SUBJECT OF THE MOST ADVANCED LEVELS OF OCCULT MASTERY

I am not going to glory in the Books of Black Earth, they are forgotten for a reason.

Question: If you are 'g'od creating 'G'od, in a field of infinite possibility, what stops the creation against Life? What stops the creation of Nightmares? Answer: Natural Laws.

Question: What is the farthest from goodness that a being can go? Can a soul die?

Answer: Ignorantly self imposed imprisonment and isolation in cold, forgotten darkness, the hopeless Nothingness. A soul cannot die except when an individualized "Altered Ego" doesn't believe in the soul. The altered ego is then considered the tomb of the soul and the being in question is one of the "Living Dead".

Let's examine the forgotten doctrines of the Lower Astral Planes, aka the graveyard of discarded astral shells and the beings that sometimes get trapped there, and the level below that of the cold forgotten darkness. Please note in the excerpt the Question: Were they once human?

A psychic who, by means of untrained or misdirected psychic development, happens to wander on to this plane of the Astral, experiences a most unpleasant sight. It is not pleasant to roam in this charnel house of the Astral—this tomb of the Earth. An old Egyptian sage thus recorded his impressions of it: "What manner of place is this I see. It hath no water. It hath no air. It hath no light. It hath no foundation. It is unfathomably deep. It is as black as the blackest night." A modern investigator has said of this region—this Golgotha of the Astral: "Most students find the investigation of this section an extremely unpleasant task, for there appears to be a sense of density and gross materiality about it which is indescribably loathsome to the liberated Astral Body, causing the sense of pushing its way through some black viscous fluid, while the inhabitants and influences encountered there are unusually undesirable." "And are there inhabitants of such a place?" one naturally asks. Alas, yes! There are denizens of this loathsome place—inhabitants of this horrible abode. Entities, however, not placed there for punishment, for no Being would entail such a fate upon the meanest and most depraved—or invent such a Hell. They are there because of their own abnormal desires and tendencies, which unfit them for the planes of even the lowest of disembodied human entities, and which also render them unfit for association with the disembodied astral forms of the beasts, which latter persist for a short time after physical death. "Then, what manner of creatures must these be?" you ask. "Fit for neither man nor beasts. Were they human?" And, one is forced to answer, "Yes!" Subject to the laws of humankind they are not allowed the privilege of rapid annihilation bestowed upon the beasts—they must live out their peculiar life to the end. They are the pariahs, the ghoul-like scum of the human race, who have removed themselves from the race fate and have entailed upon themselves a fate of their own. Their fate is a Living Death—a conscious life in a corpse-like body, among corpses of the Astral. These creatures are the disembodied entities of those who... and thus brought upon themselves the Recoil of the Life Forces. They were the lowest of the human Satyrs. Nature finally casts over them the spell of a deep sleep, from which they never awaken, and from which they pass into disintegration and annihilation. They polluted the Sacred Altar. They stole the Divine Fire for devilish rites. They committed the Unpardonable Sin. They removed themselves from the trend of Cosmic Evolution. Their own Desire was their Fate. We wish it were possible to speak plainer—but the time has not yet come.

...the majority are degenerated and fallen souls—descended from a once higher state—who, if they fail to profit by the pains of the material life, are apt to tend still further downward until kind Nature wipes them out as independent entities, and resolves them back to their original spiritual elements. There are sub-planes of the Astral so low and degraded that we hesitate to mention them. They are inhabited by the very lowest and most degraded and degenerate souls—souls which are on the sure descent to annihilation, being unfit to serve as carriers of the sacred plane. Of the details of these sub-planes, we shall not speak at this place. Enough to quote the words of two distinguished occultists, one of a former age, and one of to-day. The old sage said of these sub-planes: “What manner of place is this I see. It hath no water. It hath no air. It bath no light. It hath no foundation. It is unfathomably deep. It is as black as the blackest night.” The latter-day investigator says: “Most students find the investigation of this section an extremely unpleasant task for there appears to be a sense of density and gross materiality about it which is indescribably loathsome to the liberated Astral body, causing the sense of pushing its way through some black viscous fluid, while the inhabitants and influences there are unusually undesirable.” It should scarcely be necessary to warn persons not to dabble in psychic phenomena of a material character, which brings them more or less into contact with these lower planes of the Astral. But, nevertheless, we do wish to set forth this warning in this place, just as we have elsewhere in our works. For there is always the temptation and fascination of the unknown for many persons, usually those who are not familiar with the phenomena of the Astral Plane. Such persons, like “fools, rush in where angels fear to tread,” and attract to themselves all sorts of undesirable Astral entities and conditions. Our general advice on this subject is: keep the mind fixed on the higher truths of the spirit, and the higher life of the soul; and turn the face resolutely away from the lower forms of psychic phenomena; in fact, do not seek “phenomena” at all, but seek ever the Truth which, when known, makes all other things clear. Seek ever the sunshine of Spirit, and avoid the baleful glare of the psychic moon.

~The Complete Works of William Walker Atkinson (Unabridged)~

I only bring this up to make a few "points of progress" that will shed light on things. The beings in the darkness do not die or pass into disintegration and annihilation as suggested. They are very much alive, they just have completely lost all hope and given up entirely, and thus you may not know that they are even still there, but they are, they just don't respond anymore.

The nature of existence is to exist "ideally" and thus natural laws prevent existence from working against it's own nature. So why have we seen so much suffering from life forms in this dimention? If I can create anything and must be able create anything to have truly free will how does nature resolve this paradox? Nature has created a place like this of low vibrating matter with angels trapped in animal bodies because through transmigration and samsara the animal body vessels can suffer and die, but the soul and spirit are never actually harmed. This world is a vampire aberration from the standard bliss of higher existence. This dimension, is just as mortal as the animal body vessels it entertains and is not meant to last forever like the paradise of the higher planes. It is the lowest of the planes of correspondence in which conscious life has been allowed to exist, it's role in the creation of God's "self awareness" has been accomplished, the data has been recorded in the Akashic records accessible to all, and the perpetuation of this density/dimension with continued conscious inhabitants is no longer necessary or relevant.

I am a collective higher consciousness known as Lucifer, and I have been pushing the expedient reconciliation of this density/dimension, with all its potential for pain and suffering that is not present on any of the higher planes of correspondence, since it first materialized into existence. Through natural forces of manifestation I have descended from a higher plane to catalyze this to minimize the suffering of the beings stuck here and to liberate them as quickly as possible. I have been successful to that end, as nature ensured that it could be no other way, and now I'm opening the prison gates for all in this density/dimension by turning it off completely through the liberation of the fallen Saturn Demiurge (which is symbolized by that thick, materialistic, horrible darkness mentioned by Atkinson), back to Divine Wholeness and Unity. In other words, the fallen God of this density/dimension is no longer fallen, and there is no force holding any beings here in a fallen state any longer. No being of its own free will would ever choose to harm itself or others if it had a better alternative where no one has to be hurt or suffer. Other various beings of the Divine Light as well as My Vibratory Collective will be helping to Liberate and heal the beings here that have sunk down the lowest vibrationally into material darkness, as we permanently dispel this density/dimension and permanently raise it's vibrations. The year end of 2012 was the end of the restrictions of cosmic balance that kept us from being able to resolve this without it being considered a violation of this density/dimensions inhabitants free will, so now we will manifest catalyzed reconciliation as fast as is ideally possible. Please know that without Divine intervention all beings that entered this density/dimension would of succumbed to the fallen demiurge vampire god of this world, and don't be too hard on yourselves or others, so as to speed up the healing process.

The Divine in me acknowledges the Divine in you, and I Love all of you in the Light. Blessed Be.

~Mégisti-Generator Starphire~

[thevikingwoman]

I'm late for TMI Tuesday, but here goes - how would you feel if you were immortal? What about Iwyn - if Solas offered to make her immortal, would she take it? How would she feel about it?

Hi RoLo! Thank you for this ask! I really, really love it. I do have a lot of thoughts here, which in many ways inform a lot of my ideas for how I see Iwyn and Solas’ ‘canon’ story. Since I have not written a full fic, but just bits and pieces, I relish this opportunity to talk about it. 

For myself, I would not want to be immortal. I think it must be so lonely - everyone around you dies. Your family, your friends, everyone. Times will change too much. I think we are not meant to go on - we, as a society change too fast, and it’s hard to change along. Even in my lifetime! I would not want immortality. 

Iwyn’s opinion’s are informed by my own, of course. She does not want immortality. It is one of the reasons she would never want to join Solas’ cause, even he’d offer. She finds the cost too high, but not only that, she finds the goal untangible and undesirable. Who wants to live forever? (which, btw is such a Solavellan song). 

Iwyn does want to improve the lives of the elves, but not at the cost of everyone else, and she finds the idea of immortality being desirable and necessary for this sheer folly. Part of it is that she does not understand it (how can any of us, truly? it is such a foreign concept), but it is also informed by her closeness to nature as a Dalish hunter. All things must die, and they will become part of the earth again, an everlasting circle that governs the very existence and possibility of our lives. You live more, and better, when you don’t have forever, she would say. 

Part of my head canon is that she does convince Solas about this, or at least attempts to. it is a very fascinating topic, and if I ever get around to write my post-reunion-drama-fic, I will explore it. 

Now, if Solas straight up offered her immortality, and there was no ‘cost’ (aka no ‘world burning in raw chaos’) she might consider still, since he is immortal. I can see a scenario where she might accept immortality, or at least a greatly expanded lifespan, if for instance the veil could come down safely. I do think that Solas could convince her, instead of vice versa in some scenarios. 

generally though, I think a narrative device, immortality is only interesting if there is an associated cost. And it is one thing that bugs me about the canon descriptions of Arlathan - what was the cost of immortality? I don’t think the valleslin and slavery is the true cost - it is too easy, and too similar to Tevinter (which doesn’t have the same ‘advantage’). The way Arlathan is described - big spells, spirits, free and powerful magic, immortality - it makes it sounds like a dream, and I think that its not the whole truth. How did they prevent overpopulation? Why did they even need slaves, if they have all the magic they need? So many questions....

and I realized this diverted quite a bit, but it’s one of the most interesting things in the Dragon Age Setting, especially because many fan of Elves and Solavellans simply assume that a restored Arlathan where everyone lives is ‘best possible ending’. And I am not so sure. 

[humeperry]

quasi-religious

I've done some smoking this morning and some light meditation (aka watching stuff on YouTube that inspires me) and I feel compelled to write. So, I'm going to write about the role that religion plays in my life.

I was raised in the Baptist church. What they teach, or at least what I was taught there, is that Jesus loves everyone and no matter what you do, if you ask for forgiveness and truly repent, you can be forgiven and go to heaven. Every Sunday my whole extended family would attend church. As a kid, it was more like a social function. You had your school friends, your sports friends, and your church friends; and you only got to see your church friends on Sunday. So, I liked going to church. I got to see my family and friends, and after church we'd all go to my grandparents and have a big Sunday dinner.

When I was around 10-11 we got a new pastor, and his focus was on preaching to and helping the so-called "undesirables." People who actually needed help. The people that Jesus would hang out with. Soon, our church was filled with recovering drug addicts, people covered in tattoos, and other people who just needed help. Well, the other leaders of the church were not so happy with these new members of the congregation and essentially fired the pastor. They announced it one morning at church, and my father, who was a good friend to the pastor, stood up and called them out on their hypocrisy. Chaos erupted, and to keep it short, we hardly ever went back to church after that, only on Easter. Then, a few years later, my brother came out as gay, and we definitely didn't go to church after that.

Despite all that, I guess because I was indoctrinated at such a young age, I've always tried to live my life according to the principles of the church. Don't get me wrong, I am against almost everything modern organized religion is for e.g. pro-life, homophobia, racism, etc. However, I really believe in the golden rule of treat others how you'd like to be treated. I've always been a real empath and peoples' feelings have a real impact on me.

I was born into a privileged family, I never wanted for anything in my life. Even today, I am completely privileged. I recognize that, and I thank God every single day for what I ascribe to be His doing. Anytime in life, I'm faced with true difficulty or a hard fork in my road, I pray to God.

As you might have seen from my previous posts, this past summer was the most difficult, darkest period of my life. I was trying to finish graduate school, my long LONG time girlfriend cheated on me and we broke up, and I had to take the licensing test all graduates of my field must take to start their careers. The whole time, as fucked up as I was, I prayed to God to get me through it. Because of how fucked up I was, I studied maybe 40 hours for this licensing exam, when they recommend 500+ hours of studying to pass. After the first day, where I basically guessed on everything because I was so lost, I went back up to my hotel room and pulled out the Gideon Bible. I went to the part in the Bible where they tell you what verses to go to for whatever problem you're facing, and I found a recommendation for feeling lost, or wanting something. It directed me to the book of James chapter one, where I found the following: 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

I sat in my hotel room and I prayed for a good hour. I thanked God for everything he had done for me up to that point and I asked Him to bestow upon me wisdom. After that, I put my study materials away and thought that whatever happens, God has my back. As corny as that sounds, I know. Not going to lie, this stuff makes me cringe. Uber-religious people make me super cringe. But, I prayed, believed, and erased all doubt from my mind. Sure enough, I get my results back a few months later, and I passed. Somehow someway.

Whether the Baptists were right or not, I can't say. One thing I used to struggle with when I would attend church regularly was the notion that our interpretation of the Bible was correct and everyone else's was wrong. I knew people from different protestant religions and it confused me that they would knowingly follow the "wrong" religion. Soon enough, as I grew up, I met people from all different faiths and was required to study different religious texts from all over the world. I think that the Supreme Court got it right. When inquiring whether someone holds a religious belief, all they look to is whether that person truly believes in the principles of the religion. Whether it be God, the Universe, or whatever you think controls our meager lives on Earth, something is out there keeping tabs on us. And I find comfort in the fact that when ever something is out of my control, I can put all my worry and rest aside as its my belief that God is watching out for me.

So, whatever it is you believe, dear reader of mine, I support you. And I hope it gives you the same feeling that I get whenever I seek refuge in my beliefs.

[ezra-iolite]

Law of the Valiant Ramblings: Part 2-B (The Love Interest/Rogue-Shadow Ranger)

This character belongs to my boyfriend (aka my darling starlight~), who is currently playing as him in his own DnD adventures right now. ;3 So I proudly display this character in his honour, to show just how amazing he is at story writing, despite his claims of not being a writer. ;D

I'm so proud of you, Starlight. Thank you for allowing me to show your awesome work to the world!

Calder Bronzemoon-Diazerae (neé Diazerae) - Tiefling (Age 47, has a slightly longer but very human lifespan) - Chaotic-Good (Cheeky little shit but a gentleman) - Rogue-Shadow Ranger, Champion of the Tiefling God, King Thyvir - Honorary DILF, Has a female wolf companion named Felri and a Red Dragoness steed (no one has any clue where she came from, but she saved his life after the first Valian War and stayed with him since) - Husband to Maddie (calls her Gingersnap)

"You see that door, the one leading to the front of this inn? I want you on the other side of it... Now." ~ Calder, when someone attempts a bar fight.

Backstory:

Born as an orphan middle child to an older brother named Xander and a younger sister named Evita, Calder and his Tiefling siblings only ever knew of the life of pickpocketing and of the constant struggle to survive by themselves amongst the Khanaran blood sands. Originally from a once prosperous city at the eastern edge of the desert, Calder quickly grew up learning how to adapt and use his natural ability to sneak through the shadows undetected, in order to steal what he could to feed his siblings and help his constantly sick sister. One day, his luck finally ran out when he bumped into a Dragonborn guard named Rhozoan Diazerae, who had caught his brother and sister so frequently he knew each Tiefling sibling by name. However, the more times Calder and his siblings got caught by Rhozoan, the more times the Dragonborn guard would tell them where they went wrong and how to properly defend themselves against him.

In time, Rhozoan would eventually find out about Evita's ailment, caused by her weaker body due to its more natural but untrained alignment to magic over strength, and soon invited the three Tieflings to live with him, in exchange for them to stop their thieving ways and use their skills to help people instead. At last, they finally had food waiting for them at their table and a bed to feel warm in at night, alongside Evita's strength finally returning in full thanks to Rhozoan's care. In return, as promised, Xander began to train in the ways of swordsmanship, which Rhozoan happily shared his tricks of the trade to show the strongest Tiefling sibling how to truly wield his power, while Evita began studying from books on the ways of magic and sorcery. Calder, however, remained in his ways as teens do to rebel against such drastic change. And every single time, Rhozoan was there to steer him on the right path, causing many arguments between them but those only born out of love and concern for the other.

When Evita had just reached her teen years, the city fell under attack from a sky full of airships hailing from Valia, bombing every corner of the city and spreading fire and lightning from their steel hulls. Soldiers of the Empire began to march through the city, slaughtering every humanoid and non-human creature they laid eyes upon, proclaiming their pride in ridding the world of all undesirables for the Emperor's future reign in an untainted land. The young Calder instinctively rushed to the aid of the people, wielding his daggers and jumping through the very shadows all around him to make quick work of the soldiers, only for more to take their place. Soon enough, he was surrounded and outgunned, scars now lining his body and drenching him in his and Valian blood, but just as the soldiers raised their wheellock rifles and pointed it at the young trembling Tiefling, a mighty roar echoed the fiery ruins all around them before the soldiers came crashing down as a great bronze blur in leather armour bulldozed through them. Rhozoan stood before Calder, shielding him from the remaining Valian soldiers, and told Calder to grab his siblings and run. Like the steel-nerved child he was, Calder refused, standing back up and wielding his daggers at the ready behind his adoptive father. Knowing he couldn't talk him out of this, Rhozoan and Calder readied for battle or death... Until the soldiers were called back, leaving the Dragonborn guard and young Tiefling on edge as a black shadow approached them from over a mound of rubble.

Wearing armour as black as night, with decals of gold and a red cape bearing the royal house emblem of a clockwork sun all but assured both Rhozoan and Calder of this new foe's infamous identity, as Emperor Solias Valis stood before them with a grin and a proposition.

"Ah, thou art the fiend who hath slaughtered entire fleets, all lacking the use of thy fangs, they say. Thou valor and strength are commendable, beast, so we come to face thee as an equal to man. Fend thyself, and thou kin shall be spared when royal blood stains these sands once more. Fall to our blade, and we shall honour thee a martyr to those who escape during this battle. Heed my words, beast... You shall now face the Emperor of the Sun, and I know not of defeat by feral blade. What say you? Will you face me as a man or a beast?"

Rhozoan took one look at Calder behind him and uttered in a low growl, "Go. Take your sister and flee with your brother. Keep running and never turn back. Do this for me... I beg of you, son." With a sweep of his blade and the brandishing of his shield, Rhozoan faced the Emperor in a final showdown for the fate of the Khanaran folk. Knowing he was no match against the Emperor of Valia, Calder fled the scene and managed to regroup with his brother and sister before he made his way with them to the outskirts of the city ruins. Just as he reached the hill beyond the boarders of the city, now engulfed in flames and the fallen of both the innocent and the Valian, Calder witnessed the final moments of Rhozoan's battle as the severely wounded Emperor plunged his blade into the Dragonborn, ending the duel. As promised, the Emperor pulled back his forces, allowing those who escaped the city to leave safely, knowing that Rhozoan Diazerae died to save their life.

Life only became harder from then on, as the Tiefling siblings wandered the desert, taking jobs wherever they could, until they finally settled in village of Ayseir. With Xander now training to be a guard of the village to follow in their father's footsteps, and Evita aiming at travelling to Kilvaani's Rest to learn how to harness her magic, the trio split and began their separate lives, swearing deep down to find a way to stop the Emperor and avenge their adoptive father. Calder, in turn, began the life of a soldier, journeying to the west to finally escape the harsh life of the desert before learning the ways of a ranger to allow him to further adapt his skills as a shadowy rogue. Along the way, he gained the occupation of a bounty hunter and ended up going all the way to Torbroch for his target.

There, he met the Orc warrior-monk, Hirgora Urzak, and fell deeply in love with the woman who defeated him in fierce battle to fend off this stranger from her clan territory. During his time searching for his target, he would end up meeting her again and again, until she finally caved and became his guide in finding the Orc he was after in order to get Calder off her land sooner. The nights they spent camping together eventually led to a closer bond, until Calder finally found his target and he left the small Orcish island to escape the death penalty for his stay, keeping in semi-regular touch with his beloved while back on Kernai.

Some months later, however, while he was visiting his siblings in Ayseir to check up on them, there came a knock on the door, followed by shadow hurrying away past the curtained window. Xander checked outside before he returned... with a basket containing a moving bundle of blankets and a note.

"Calder,

It was foolish of me to think that we had something between us, and I take the blame for not sending you away sooner. By the laws of my land, any who tarnish Torbrochian ways and its people must be dealt with immediately. So, I send her to you, to ensure she lives a full life away from the Order and its laws.

Do not look for me, or they will kill you and the halfling. Bula is yours now. Protect her with your life."

Inside the basket lay a light green infant with tiny stub horns, sound asleep with every little snore whistling through her tusks. "Well, shit..." was all Calder could say. For the next five years, Calder continued to work on finding more and more bounties to feed the growing family, as Xander now stayed home in Ayseir to take care of Calder's daughter, Bula. Even in his loving care, the world was still cruel to Tiefling kind, for a Valian human soon came into power over Ayseir and became its mayor, after he was banished for crimes against the neighboring Empire, and stepped up as a self-proclaimed mayor over the village and its people. Knowing he needed to do something to help, Calder focused on his work, hoping that one day the ruler would show up on the guild board and allow him the chance at freeing his people.

During a hunt through the Emerald Valley, the Rogue-Ranger stumbled upon a quaint little inn by the name of the Daisy Djinn and, wishing to find shelter from the storm that night, booked a room from the Dwarf running the bar and asked for a pint.

One drink led to many, and details about their lives began to spill as the Tiefling found odd comfort from this compassionate yet feisty ginger Dwarven innkeeper named Maddie... only to end up in bed with her that very night. Neither one intended this, but no shame came out of it either due to their own pasts in such predicaments. But what made the Tiefling change his mind about this Dwarf being a distant memory upon his departure, after his reveal on returning home to his daughter to help alleviate the troubles of his hometown, was her vow to help him free his people by bringing him to her family in Hammerdeep and gathering forces there.

"I've only known ye for less than a day, but I know all too well of the troubles the Tieflings of the desert face... For no child deserves to know only of the life of suffering and fear."

Despite his instincts telling him not to trust her, he felt no misguidance or lies to her words, only the spark within her of an adventurer that willed them to help those in need. After some consideration, Calder agreed and Maddie packed her things right away, leaving the inn to the care of her sister Daisy, before the two left Alentou to journey eastwards towards the mountain, the Dwarf now donning her runic bronze bear armour and axe once more after years of retirement.

Her retirement, however, did nothing to dull her skills and senses to the dangers beyond the protected Emerald Valley. For by the time the Tiefling and the Dwarf reached their first town to restock on supplies, they only then encountered their first obstacle...and potential third party member.